on taking your husband’s name
My friend Diane shared this short post via Google Reader a couple weeks ago. If you don’t feel like clicking through, the gist of it is that ladies who take their husbands’ names are not viewed (professionally) as favorably as as those who keep their given last names.
Over the summer, a friend asked me why I hadn’t taken Ben’s last name when we got married. I said the first thing that came to mind (rather carelessly, as another married friend who HAD taken her husband’s name was with us), which was “he doesn’t own me.” I had other reasons, too, of course. I’ve done some extremely valuable networking under my own name for the past four years; there’s a chance that in a couple years I will have to make another attempt at freelancing (due to Ben’s perpetually traveling gig) so I absolutely want to make sure that no one in my industry forgets who I am. I also felt uncomfortable with the idea of upholding the status quo. Seriously, am I my father’s property until I get married and thus transfer my identity to another dude? Hell no, I’m an autonomous human.
But then again…. Ben definitely didn’t care two licks if I took his name or not (which is not the case for many men, sadly). My industry is also quite small, and I don’t think anyone would experience any confusion if I changed my last name. We’re giving Kai his dad’s last name, and I do feel a little…weird…about not sharing a name with my own son. And one more: I actually really like Ben’s last name and I like how it sounds with my name.
So why not change it, right?
It’s the history of the status quo that bothers me enough to really hesitate. For YEARS, women had no choice but to transfer virtual ownership from that of their fathers’ to that of their husbands’ upon marriage. By giving up my identity (as defined by nomenclature at least) I feel like I’d be letting down all the generations of ladies of the future (by not continuing to make it even more socially acceptable and easy for them) AND the past (by declining my newly and pretty widely socially-acceptable choice).
I don’t have plans to change it at this time, but I do recognize that Kai’s arrival might make me feel a little differently. What do you all think? Hetero friends, if you’re a gal, why did or didn’t you change your name (or why would or wouldn’t you)? If you’re a guy, would you want your wife to change (or not change) her name? Curious to hear your thoughts.
